|Posted by Michelle Fitzpatrick on January 10, 2011 at 9:00 AM|
It is another year gone and another year has come. What did I do for the New Year's? Well...I wanted to spend it in a loving environment with my kids and my man, but it was not all peaches and cream like I hoped, once again. I had my kids again this year, but just as 2009 went into 2010, and 2010 went into 2011 I was in an argument, except with the man I have been dating for the past eleven months. It figures!
I try to make my man happy by showing him how much I love him by wanting to be with him, wanting to make love to him (giving up my needs to be satisfied), I show him I care by wanting to do things with him, by coming back home to him, and so on. But guess he cannot see it well enough. It is frustrating. I cannot teach him to see or feel it. I have a social life I cannot seem to get rid of. A lot of times, I wish I was not a friendly person. I wish I could actually tell people to get the hell away from me. I wish I could turn off the fact of not wanting friends, or wanting a life. But it does not work that way for me. I am not that mean to people. However, I still cannot make him happy.
I have lived with my father telling me all the time to show him I love him and not tell him. He would also tell me, when I said, "Dad, I love you," it meant to him I wanted something, when indeed it did not mean that I wanted something bought or anything of that matter. The only thing I wanted given was to know my father loved me back by telling me. Almost 35 years of hearing that...well...one kind of gets use to expecting someone else to show them and not tell them. Or, at least show more then tell.
When I tell my man to show me he love me, he has no idea how, except by working and taking care of me and my kids. yes, that is a way of him showing me his love. However, there is more to it. At least, that is what I learned from hearing my father telling me over and over to show him and not tell him. Yeah, I did not know how to show either. I use to always say it, but over the years, I have tried learning and apparently I am still learning because today, almost being 35-years-old, he continues to tell me to show him and not tell him. It is hard for me to accept a chang eof only telling when I am so use to showing.
I guess the truth be known my man deserves better. He deserves someone who will devote her life to him more then I can. He nees someone who will get off, and will get him off, when they make passionate love. He needs someone who will give him his every desire, hope and dreams, because apparently I cannot.
Feeling as I did before, I am seriously considering I was right all along. I deserve to be alone with no one in my life to make me happy and be compatible with.